Family and generations

Talking with your adult children.

We’re going to talk about a subject that almost everyone can relate to dealing with your adult children.

How do you remain a parent without losing yourself?

Because parenting never stops… it just changes form. And sometimes it feels as though, after you retire, you suddenly get a new job. You become a full-time advisor, a full-time babysitter or sometimes even, a full-time housekeeper.

You think they’re grown up, they live on their own, so I’m done. But no. Because as soon as children become adults, you get something extra: feedback. You used to say, “Put your coat on.” Now they say, “Mum, you really need to drink more water.” And then I think: I raised you all those years and now you’re my lifestyle coach?

What’s the challenge?

The tricky thing is that your role is changing.

The roles shift. You’re no longer the one in charge. You’re now a discussion partner. And sometimes the subject of the discussion too.

You want freedom: your own life, your own choices.

They want reassurance: that you’re safe, stay healthy, don’t make any strange decisions… and above all: that they don’t have to worry. And then it happens: the roles are reversed. Your child says: “Dad, you really mustn’t climb that ladder anymore.” Or: “Mum, you really need to downsize.” And there you stand, as if you’re suddenly 94. Even though you’re still functioning perfectly well. They give you advise on health, advice on money, advise on housing, advise about…  anything.

Sometimes you get the feeling that you’re not getting older… but are slowly being taken over by your children, and sometimes even grandchildren. Why do they do that?

But if we’re honest: meddling usually doesn’t stem from irritation, but from love. And above all from fear. They’re afraid that something might happen to you. They want control because control provides reassurance. So actually, it’s a compliment. Only… it is a compliment that can sometimes get on your nerves.

Setting boundaries sounds harsh, but it is actually loving. Boundaries are not a rejection. They are clarity. You are essentially saying: I love you, but I also have my own life. Boundaries mean this is where you end and this is where I begin…. And if you don’t do that, your life will slowly become a joint venture.

The most powerful word in this phase is “no.” And many parents struggle with that. Because we’ve been trained to give in. But “no” is a complete sentence. Not: “No, but if I really have to…” because that isn’t a “no.” That is a “yes” with a guilty conscience.

Do not explain endlessly.

Don’t apologise.

Don’t negotiate.

No. Full stop. For example:

“No, I don’t want that.”

“No, that’s not for me.”

“No, I have other plans.”

 And you can practise that. Your child is grown up. They can handle it.

When setting boundaries, it helps to use ‘I’ statements. Don’t be accusatory. Don’t say “You’re always…” but “I find it difficult when…” That sounds gentler but is actually much clearer. And it prevents it from immediately turning into an argument about who’s right.

Not: “You’re always interfering in my life.” But: “I find it difficult when I’m given unsolicited advice.”

This will bring you:

Less confrontation. More dialogue. More respect.

Then come the grandchildren. Fantastic, of course. Grandchildren are the best thing there is all the love, less responsibility.

But there’s a catch. Babysitting always starts innocently. “Can you do it just once?” And before you know it, you’ve got a schedule. Then suddenly you’re Granny Daycare. That’s why it’s good to be specific: how often do you fancy doing it? Once a week? Once a month? Only in an emergency?

You decide! How do you say things without feeling guilty?

You don’t need to defend yourself, but you can phrase it politely. For example: “I love looking after the children, but I’d like to limit it to once every two weeks.” Or: “I’m happy to help, but I don’t want to become a regular babysitter.” The key word is clear. Guilt is often the reason agreements remain vague. And vagueness is always interpreted by the other person. So, it is better to say:

“I love it, but I’d like to limit it, or

“I’m happy to help, but not on a regular basis.” or

“I want some space for my own life too.”

Before everything: Be clear about what you want. How to give life advice without being overbearing.

Parents want to give advice. It’s in our blood. We can spot mistakes a mile off. But unsolicited advice almost always sounds like criticism. So first ask the golden question: “Do you want advice, or do you want me to listen?” And sometimes listening really is the best gift. Sometimes your child doesn’t need saving. Sometimes they just want to be heard.

Many parents are afraid of disappointing their children. But disappointment isn’t dangerous. It’s a normal part of adult relationships. Disappointment is a part of life.

If you say no, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means you take yourself seriously. And ultimately, that sets an example for your children too.

New relationship: adult-adult

The best thing is when the relationship shifts to adult-to-adult. No longer raising but connecting. No longer directing but trusting. And yes, humour helps enormously. Because grown-up children can be tiring at times, but they’re usually great fun too. Just let them know “I am your parent, but I am also my own person.”

And don’t forget they are the way they are… Partly thanks to you.

Conclusion

In summary: understand where the meddling comes from…. Set boundaries without feeling guilty…. And connect by listening more often than giving advice. Because boundaries aren’t the end of love. Boundaries help love to mature!

Why friendships after the age of 50 are different.

We are going to talk about something that seems very simple, but for many people becomes increasingly complicated as we get older.

We are going to talk about friendship. And not just friendship in the sense of ‘having a nice cup of coffee together,’ but friendship as something that sustains you. As something that keeps you going. And sometimes also as something you miss, without daring to say it aloud.

Friendship in later life is a subject that everyone can relate to. Because everyone knows it… and because everyone can lose it too.

Why this topic is so moving.

When you are young, friendship is often a natural part of life. You are surrounded by lots of people. You see each other all the time. But as you get older, that changes. And the funny thing is friendship does not become any less important. In fact, it often becomes even more important. Because the older you get, the more things you used to take for granted start to fade away: work, the hustle and bustle, children in the house, people you saw every day. And that is precisely when you realise: it is incredibly valuable to have people who still see you for who you are. Not as a patient, not as ‘someone who’s getting older,’ but simply as yourself.

Friendship used to be more of a given.

Friendships used to form automatically. You sat next to someone at school. You worked together. You shared the same hobby. Your children played together. You did not have to make plans. You did not have to go looking for each other. You were simply together because life brought you together. And if you lost touch for a while, it did not matter. Because your surroundings would naturally bring you back together again. That is something we sometimes only realise we miss as we get older: that sense of it just being there.

Friendship is more conscious these days.

As we get older, friendship is far less a given. Not because people suddenly become less kind. But because life changes. People move house. People become less mobile. Some develop health problems. Some become carers. Others withdraw from society. And suddenly you realise: if you do not make a conscious effort to see each other, you simply stop seeing each other. And that can be painful at times. Because you can know someone for years… and yet slowly drift out of each other’s lives. Not because of an argument, but because of distance and silence.

The true value of a friend.

What exactly is a true friend? A true friend is not necessarily someone you are in touch with every week. It is someone with whom you can be yourself. Someone who knows your history. Who understands your character. Who knows what you have been through, without you having to explain it all over again.

And sometimes the most important thing is not what a friend says, but simply that they are there. That you know: if I ring, someone will pick up, or they will call me back later. And that is a very deep sense of security.

Friendship as protection.

Friendship is more than just having a good time. Friendship protects you from loneliness. From the feeling that you are slowly fading away from the world. Loneliness is not always about ‘being alone.’ Loneliness is often the feeling that nobody really knows how you are doing. And friendship is exactly the opposite. Friendship is someone who still takes a bit of an interest in your life. Someone who asks, “How are you really doing?” And who can handle the answer.

Why friendships fade away.

Many friendships do not end with a bang, but with a sigh. You call each other less often. You see each other less often. You think: “We really must meet up again soon.” And then months go by. And sometimes years. And there can be difference in lifestyle too. One person likes to get out and about, whilst the other becomes more cautious. One person is busy with their grandchildren, whilst the other is at home on their own. One person finds it easy to talk about their feelings, whilst the other does not. And then a distance grows. And that does not mean the friendship was a bad one. It often just means that life has changed. But it can be sad.

Loss and vulnerability.

Getting older often means saying goodbye more often. Sometimes to your partner. Sometimes to family. Sometimes to people who were always ‘just’ a part of your life. And loss makes you vulnerable. And it is precisely at times like these that friendship is priceless. Not because friends solve the problem. But because they make it more bearable. Sometimes a friend is the one who does not walk away when you are feeling a bit down. Who does not say, “Come on, cheer up.” But who simply says, “I’m here.” And that is the most beautiful thing anyone can give.

The moment of retirement.

Retirement is also a special moment. Many people look forward to it. And I understand that very well. But what often happens is that people underestimate how much social connection there is in work. You see colleagues. You have a chat. You are asked for your opinion. You have a role. And suddenly that stops. And then there is silence. And it is not surprising if someone feels a bit lost at that point. As if you are not just losing your job, but also a part of your identity. And at that moment, friendship becomes very important. Because then you need people who know you not just as ‘the one from work,’ but as a person.

New friendships: is that still possible?

Many people wonder: Can I still make new friends after I turn 50 or 80 or 90? And the answer is: yes. But it works differently than it used to. It used to happen naturally. Now it is time to take the initiative. And that is nerve-wracking, because taking the initiative also means taking a risk. You might be disappointed. You might feel like you’re not welcome. But the great thing is lots of people are looking to connect. It is just that they do not always dare to say so. New friendships often start small. With a chat. With a walk. With a shared hobby. And then it grows, slowly.

Where do new friendships begin?

New friendships always start when you do something together. Not by staying at home thinking, “I really ought to see more people.” That is an understandable thought, but it does not happen by itself. Friendship grows through repetition. You need to bump into someone more often. And that’s why walking groups, volunteering, local activities, courses, and clubs are so valuable. Not because you will find a best friend there straight away, but because it helps you get back into the swing of things. You meet people without any pressure. And sometimes, just one person is enough to make your world feel bigger again.

The barrier: shame and pride.

What holds many people back is something very human: shame. People think: “I don’t want to come across as pathetic.” “I don’t want to bother anyone.” “They might think I’m boring.” “They might not have time.” And pride often plays a part in that too. But it is important to realise this: many people are struggling with the same doubts. We often think that others have it better. But many people miss social contact. They just do not say so. And sometimes the bravest thing you can do is simply ask. “Shall we meet for a coffee sometime? It is just a short sentence, but it can make a big difference.

Maintenance: friendship requires attention.

Friendship is not something you build once and then have forever. It needs looking after. It is not complicated, but it does require a conscious effort. A quick message. A phone call. A birthday card. And sometimes it is just a matter of letting someone know you are thinking of them. That might sound like a small thing, but it means a lot. Because getting older can sometimes mean feeling like you are being forgotten. And a single simple message can convey exactly the opposite: I still see you.

Boundaries and honesty.

But friendship is not about giving. It is also about recognising boundaries. Sometimes people have different levels of energy. Sometimes one person can do more than the other. Sometimes someone becomes very dependent, and that can feel overwhelming. That is why it is good to know: a healthy friendship also means that it is okay to say no. You do not always have to be available. You do not have to solve every problem. It is okay to say: “I can’t manage today.” Or: “Shall we take it easy?” Friendship does not have to be perfect to be valuable. Sometimes, just one good conversation a month is enough to feel connected.

A little invitation.

I would like to finish with something very simple. There is someone here who is thinking: “Actually, I really ought to give someone a call.” Someone who once meant a lot to you. Someone with whom you have lost touch. Or someone about whom you find yourself thinking I miss you. And so, I want to say: Just do it. Not tomorrow. Not next week. But just soon. Because friendship is not always about grand gestures. It starts with a single small act of courage. A phone call. A text message. An invitation. And sometimes that is enough to let something grow again.

I will finish with this sentence: “A friend is someone who doesn’t solve your problems but simply sits down beside you for a while.”

And that is the essence of friendship in later life.