Talking with your adult children

Talking with your adult children.

We’re going to talk about a subject that almost everyone can relate to dealing with your adult children.

How do you remain a parent without losing yourself?

Because parenting never stops… it just changes form. And sometimes it feels as though, after you retire, you suddenly get a new job. You become a full-time advisor, a full-time babysitter or sometimes even, a full-time housekeeper.

You think they’re grown up, they live on their own, so I’m done. But no. Because as soon as children become adults, you get something extra: feedback. You used to say, “Put your coat on.” Now they say, “Mum, you really need to drink more water.” And then I think: I raised you all those years and now you’re my lifestyle coach?

What’s the challenge?

The tricky thing is that your role is changing.

The roles shift. You’re no longer the one in charge. You’re now a discussion partner. And sometimes the subject of the discussion too.

You want freedom: your own life, your own choices.

They want reassurance: that you’re safe, stay healthy, don’t make any strange decisions… and above all: that they don’t have to worry. And then it happens: the roles are reversed. Your child says: “Dad, you really mustn’t climb that ladder anymore.” Or: “Mum, you really need to downsize.” And there you stand, as if you’re suddenly 94. Even though you’re still functioning perfectly well. They give you advise on health, advice on money, advise on housing, advise about…  anything.

Sometimes you get the feeling that you’re not getting older… but are slowly being taken over by your children, and sometimes even grandchildren. Why do they do that?

But if we’re honest: meddling usually doesn’t stem from irritation, but from love. And above all from fear. They’re afraid that something might happen to you. They want control because control provides reassurance. So actually, it’s a compliment. Only… it is a compliment that can sometimes get on your nerves.

Setting boundaries sounds harsh, but it is actually loving. Boundaries are not a rejection. They are clarity. You are essentially saying: I love you, but I also have my own life. Boundaries mean this is where you end and this is where I begin…. And if you don’t do that, your life will slowly become a joint venture.

The most powerful word in this phase is “no.” And many parents struggle with that. Because we’ve been trained to give in. But “no” is a complete sentence. Not: “No, but if I really have to…” because that isn’t a “no.” That is a “yes” with a guilty conscience.

Do not explain endlessly.

Don’t apologise.

Don’t negotiate.

No. Full stop. For example:

“No, I don’t want that.”

“No, that’s not for me.”

“No, I have other plans.”

 And you can practise that. Your child is grown up. They can handle it.

When setting boundaries, it helps to use ‘I’ statements. Don’t be accusatory. Don’t say “You’re always…” but “I find it difficult when…” That sounds gentler but is actually much clearer. And it prevents it from immediately turning into an argument about who’s right.

Not: “You’re always interfering in my life.” But: “I find it difficult when I’m given unsolicited advice.”

This will bring you:

Less confrontation. More dialogue. More respect.

Then come the grandchildren. Fantastic, of course. Grandchildren are the best thing there is all the love, less responsibility.

But there’s a catch. Babysitting always starts innocently. “Can you do it just once?” And before you know it, you’ve got a schedule. Then suddenly you’re Granny Daycare. That’s why it’s good to be specific: how often do you fancy doing it? Once a week? Once a month? Only in an emergency?

You decide! How do you say things without feeling guilty?

You don’t need to defend yourself, but you can phrase it politely. For example: “I love looking after the children, but I’d like to limit it to once every two weeks.” Or: “I’m happy to help, but I don’t want to become a regular babysitter.” The key word is clear. Guilt is often the reason agreements remain vague. And vagueness is always interpreted by the other person. So, it is better to say:

“I love it, but I’d like to limit it, or

“I’m happy to help, but not on a regular basis.” or

“I want some space for my own life too.”

Before everything: Be clear about what you want. How to give life advice without being overbearing.

Parents want to give advice. It’s in our blood. We can spot mistakes a mile off. But unsolicited advice almost always sounds like criticism. So first ask the golden question: “Do you want advice, or do you want me to listen?” And sometimes listening really is the best gift. Sometimes your child doesn’t need saving. Sometimes they just want to be heard.

Many parents are afraid of disappointing their children. But disappointment isn’t dangerous. It’s a normal part of adult relationships. Disappointment is a part of life.

If you say no, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means you take yourself seriously. And ultimately, that sets an example for your children too.

New relationship: adult-adult

The best thing is when the relationship shifts to adult-to-adult. No longer raising but connecting. No longer directing but trusting. And yes, humour helps enormously. Because grown-up children can be tiring at times, but they’re usually great fun too. Just let them know “I am your parent, but I am also my own person.”

And don’t forget they are the way they are… Partly thanks to you.

Conclusion

In summary: understand where the meddling comes from…. Set boundaries without feeling guilty…. And connect by listening more often than giving advice. Because boundaries aren’t the end of love. Boundaries help love to mature!